I’ve illustrated about 15 of the postures in the Bikram series. Each illustration shows “Bikram’s Ideal” and “Miss Pink’s Reality.”
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We get to Awkward, Bikram looks me in the eye and says, “Miss Pink, you have to get off your bar stool. You must sit down like the rest of the class. Second set, the entire class will wait for Miss Pink to get her ass off her bar stool.”
Oh god.
I've got wicked bad knee pain. Bad knees. Knee surgery 23 years ago. And about two years ago, it seemed as though the surgery had run its course and the knees started creaking and hurting all over again.
I've spent this past year of yoga slowly getting down in the first part of Awkward and I'm all the way down in the third part of Awkward.
But the second part, up on your toes, balancing on the big toe, it just kills me. Plus which, some teachers have said that if your heels start to wobble, you shouldn't sit down any further, so I haven't, turns out my heels are quite wobbly indeed.
Bikram reminds me of the snake in Jungle Book. The eyes bewitch you and no matter how far away you are from the podium, when he calls you to do his bidding, it feels as though he's breathing his force into your nostrils. I swear I can feel the heat of his chai breath on my forehead.
I think I don't have a choice. I mean, I could say “no thanks” but I don't think that would go over well. Plus which, he's thrown down the gauntlet. The entire class will wait for me to sit down. Fine. They can wait then.
Our eyes lock on each other as I begin my descent. It feels as though we are two cowboys at sunset. We've agreed to the duel, the sun is setting and the saloon owner is taking bets on who will walk away alive.
I realized that this situation was the solution to my unrelenting fatigue.
I'm fairly certain that my kneecaps will crack in half as I heed his bidding. Once the kneecaps crack, Audrey Hepburn at the front desk will have to call an ambulance.
Once the ambulance gets here, the paramedics will have to throw open the wide side doors to the giant mirrored torture chamber. Once they do that, the room will cool down. So that's a big plus.
Once they've fetched me, they'll have to take me to an emergency room and emergency rooms are always well-cooled and, as an added bonus, I'll be able to sneak in a nap on the way.
Once I'm in the emergency room, some kind nurse will start a morphine drip, and then I'll sleep deeply and they will swaddle me in warm blankets.
All in all-pain relief, heat relief, and a giant 20-hour nap-what's not to like?